The 3 Magic Questions Every Manager Should Use

"I hate 1-on-1s."

I hear some version of that most times I suggest weekly 1-on-1 meetings to an owner.

So, I ask why.

"Every 1-on-1 I ever had, I was in trouble. Or it was my review."

Fair. For most of us, a meeting alone with the boss meant one of two things. Something went wrong, or money was on the table. Both came with a knot in the stomach. It felt like being called to the principal's office. Or seeing the lights come on in the rearview mirror.

No wonder people want to skip them. They don't want their team to feel that way. And they don't want to be the principal or the cop.

So, the problems still happen and come to them with or without a meeting. The missed goal. The project that slid. The thing that didn't go to plan. Each one lands on the manager’s or owner's desk, and they solve it. Next week, it's back.

But 1-on-1 meetings done right, don’t come from the traffic cop, the principal, or the enforcer perspective. They come from a position of support. A good manager wants their team to succeed. A good manager’s job is to support and help their team members to succeed.

Think of the best coach, teacher, or mentor you ever had. What did they do? Did they berate you? Did they catch you out?

The best ones didn’t. But they also didn’t hand you the answer or do it for you. It’s likely they asked, waited, and made it clear they were in your corner.

You can be that person for each of your players. Three questions do most of the work.

The 3 questions

1. What's happening? (Or, what happened?)
2. What will you do over the next week to make [it] happen?
3. What help or resources do you need from me?

That's it.

Use them when a goal is missed, a project is off track, or something didn't go to plan. Or use them when something unexpected happens. They are surprisingly versatile.

Let's take them one at a time.

1. What happened?

The player diagnoses the problem. They tell you where it stands. You stay quiet.

You'll want to fill in the blanks. Don't. Let the silence sit.

2. What will you do over the next week to make [it] happen?

Whatever “it” is.

You're asking what they will do. What actions they will take to get the result.

Be patient. Give them time and space to think. Be careful about shooting down what they offer. If they need a nudge, ask a follow-up or clarifying question. You're building their problem-solving skills, and their willingness to put an idea on the table.

3. What help or resources do you need from me?

Now you support them. Even if the answer is "nothing," you offered. They know you're in their corner. You want them to succeed.

Notice who owns the problem when the meeting ends. They do. Not you.

And next week's 1-on-1 has a natural first question. "How did it go?"

If you have managers, hand them these three questions too. Same rules.

It takes practice

Practice your tone, so it sounds curious and not like an interrogation. Practice the wording, so it fits the situation. And practice the hard part: not jumping in with the answer too soon.

It won't feel natural at first. Most of us learned management from the principal and the cop.

This isn't their approach. You're not trying to catch anyone in the act and hand out speeding tickets. You're trying to help your players win. When the players succeed, the team succeeds. When the team succeeds, the coach succeeds.

Know an owner who dreads 1-on-1s? Send this to them.

Good luck, Coach.